Remember school?

The shifting alliances, the cliques, the whispers?

It’s easy to dismiss it as childhood drama, something we leave behind.

But watching social dynamics play out, even now, makes me wonder: is that tendency to exclude, to form hierarchies, something we learn, or is it deeper, perhaps even instinctual?

It’s a question that followed me….

Do We Ever Truly Grow Out of It?

I’d love to believe that this kind of behaviour is just a phase, something confined to the awkwardness of youth. That maturity brings deeper empathy, better impulse control, and a rejection of those baser social instincts. After all, teenage brains are still developing; the need to fit in often overrides compassion.Surely, adulthood means we learn to be better, kinder, more inclusive?Unfortunately, experience suggests it’s not always that simple.We might convince ourselves we’ve evolved beyond schoolyard cliques, but often, the meanness just morphs. It becomes more subtle, more socially acceptable, but the undercurrent remains. Playground exclusion translates into office gossip or veiled social media digs. Outright teasing becomes backhanded compliments or judgmental whispers behind cupped hands.

The tactics change, the instinct often doesn’t.

How to Break the Cycle and Consciously Choose Kindness?

The instinct to judge, exclude, or diminish others might be wired into our social DNA, a relic of survival mechanisms. But unlike my mare, we possess a powerful advantage: awareness and choice. We don’t have to be ruled by instinct. We can recognize it and consciously decide to act differently.

Here’s how:

Recognize the Pattern: Awareness is the first, crucial step. Meanness isn’t always loud bullying; it can be the eye-roll at someone’s idea, the silent treatment, the decision to not speak up when someone is being unfairly criticized. Start noticing these moments in yourself and others.

Ask:Why am I feeling or acting this way?What am I trying to achieve or protect?How would this feel if directed at me?

Challenge the Scarcity Mindset: Often, exclusion stems from a subconscious belief that resources like success, admiration, or belonging are limited. If someone else shines, does it truly diminish your light? This zero-sum thinking is rarely accurate. Celebrating others’ successes doesn’t detract from your own; genuine support often creates a more positive environment for everyone.

Replace Gossip with Encouragement: Gossip can feel like a bonding activity, creating an “us” by defining a “them.” But it’s a fragile, often damaging, way to connect. Try flipping the script. Instead of dissecting someone’s choices, find something positive or understanding to say, even if only in your own mind initially.

Next time you’re tempted to join in on negativity, consciously pivot:Instead of: “Can you believe they wore that?”Try: “It takes confidence to express yourself like that.”Offer genuine compliments freely. It shifts the energy.

Make Kindness an Active Habit: Kindness isn’t just about avoiding cruelty; it’s about proactive choices, however small.Offer a genuine smile.Invite someone on the fringe of the group into the conversation. Defend someone being spoken ill of in their absence (even gently: “Maybe we don’t know the whole story”).Celebrate friends’ achievements without letting comparison steal your joy.Like any muscle, kindness strengthens with practice.

Be the One Who Makes Room at the Table: In every social setting – work, hobbies, community groups – there are people on the outskirts, feeling like my mare did initially. You have the influence to change that dynamic, even in small ways. Inclusion is an active choice. Look around. See who might be feeling left out, and be the person who consciously makes space for them.

Final Reflection:

Who Do You Choose to Be?

Every single day presents us with choices. Not just in big, dramatic confrontations, but in the countless small, quiet, ordinary interactions that make up our lives.The choice to include or exclude.The choice to uplift or tear down.The choice to follow instinct or to consciously choose better.

So, here’s some food for thought today: Who might need a seat at your table, metaphorically or literally? And will you be the one to make room?